FRIENDS IN NEED: At the pregnancy center, we see how certain norms which are destructive for everyone, but which may make some utilitarian sense from an upper-class perspective, have filtered down to poor women. The most obvious one is the idea that marriage is the final stamp of approval on a life well lived, the last item on the to-do list, to be checked off only once you've achieved economic stability. Marrying before economic stability has been achieved is actively stigmatized, because economic independence and stability are major markers of grown-up status, and the new model of marriage is that you complete the growing-up process first rather than letting your marriage form the bedrock of your adult identity.

You can see how this causes difficulties when economic stability is a far-off goal which may never be achieved. (And which becomes even harder to achieve once you start having kids out of wedlock.) Marriage is simultaneously an immensely longed-for honor and an endlessly-receding finish line.

What I didn't notice until more recently is that destructive upper-class norms of friendship may also be changing poor communities. This study basically argues (this is from memory, so I apologize if I misstate anything) that upper-class friendships are looser, based on common interests and personal compatibility, easier to shrug out of, and less tightly-tied to mutual aid, while working-class friendships are nosy, impose sometimes burdensome obligations, and are based mostly on proximity or similarity of life situation. Looser friendships offer independence, but are prone to atomization and alienation; tighter friendships foster generosity, but are prone to gossip and to resentment when perceived obligations aren't met.

I've been struck recently by how many of my clients are ashamed to go to their friends for help: both material or financial help, and emotional support, the love in time of distress which might be thought of as one of the key purposes of friendship. I've written before about my own struggle with the temptation to keep my troubles to myself and not seek help because I don't want to burden others, so I totally sympathize with this dilemma. But as I'm trying to teach myself, love in a time of need is what you have friends for. St. Aelred's emphasis on transparent honesty with one's friends may be considered an antidote to the shame we feel at exposing our own needs and weaknesses.

One of the biggest tasks at the center, at least for someone with my style of counseling, is to help the woman find the sources of love and support already available to her in her own life and community. I try to help her identify and strengthen those connections. And I've been startled by how often people will identify a friend as a possible source of desperately-needed strength, and then admit that they're ashamed to rely on that friend. "Well, if she were in need, wouldn't you want to know?" I ask, and that helps a bit. But the tight old relationships--not only friendship but the fictive kinship relations of godparenthood and godsisterhood, and maybe even the extended-family relationships of cousinhood--seem to be weakening. A renewal of friendship would be good for everybody, but maybe especially good for the poor.

ABORTION AND/AS/VS. HONOR KILLING. A pretty fascinating post, with no conclusions but some provocative questions.

I especially liked the description of how people can believe something is wrong, but it's the right thing to do--this comes up all the time at the pregnancy center--and the acknowledgment that contemporary American elites also operate with an honor/shame culture when it comes to women's reproductive capacities. The insistent, inaccurate identification of non-elite women's choices with shame, and elite women's choices with responsibility, was one of my least favorite things about Red Families vs. Blue Families. (I suspect the "Tiger Mom" fight/"mommy wars" in general reflect honor/shame culture around motherhood as well.)

And I really liked this point:

Volf, writing some guidelines for dialogue between Christians and Muslims, quotes another scholar saying that in any such discussion there are four participants: you and me, and your image of me and my image of you. Volf adds another dyad to that equation: my image of myself, and your image of yourself.

more

FEAST OF ST. JULIANA OF NICOMEDIA, a patroness of women in childbirth.

THANK YOU. Oh my gosh, you guys, you are amazing. It looks like I'll be able to cover all the families on my Christmas-basket list solely because of the generosity of my readers. I will be praying for all of you and I am just so amazed and grateful to see how much you care for these terrific moms and kids you haven't even met!!! Thank you so much... and if you were thinking about emailing me about this, but haven't yet, my families are taken care of now... but consider whether you can buy toys or clothes or diapers for your local pregnancy center or other charity!

What our center usually needs: WIPES. Diapers in sizes 4, 5, 6. We cannot receive stuffed animals or other toys for liability issues except in certain circumstances I don't fully understand, so call first about these things (and work for repeal of CPSIA...). Car seats, strollers. Any clothes which are in good condition--if you wouldn't give it to your sister, why are you giving it to us? The kids here need the respect of unstained, "nice" clothes as much as--honestly, probably more than--they need simple coverings. If you have money and feel awkward about calling and asking what your local center needs, I think wipes and larger diapers will never, ever be turned down. Also, we often offer hand-knit sweaters and blankets for newborns, and I can tell you that the moms reliably think this is the sweetest thing ever, so if you knit consider knitting for a pregnancy center!

We can also always use listings for services: Premarital counseling (esp the kind which is directed to couples considering marriage rather than definitely set on marriage), mental health care, legal services, employment services, rental/utilities assistance, and day care assistance are probably the most common needs my clients have expressed, not exactly in that order. Oh and HOUSING. So if you have recommendations in any of those areas, or even if you just want to make an updated list of resources you found via The Google, I'm betting your local pregnancy center would love you.

No matter what your talents or circumstances there is probably something you can do... and the need is really obviously greater than it was when I started counseling.

Anyway, I'm just so amazed by you guys. I know so many of you are doing other kinds of corporal works of mercy, so I wasn't really expecting a big outpouring... and yet it looks like these families will be having a wonderful Christmas thanks to you. I wish all of you could see these beautiful children grinning and exclaiming when they see their presents.

CHRISTMAS BASKETS. Hey... I know most of you all are doing Christmas baskets through your church or some other group. But if you're not, I have three families who could really use your help. They're fairly small--one to three kids--but they don't have any way to get Christmas presents right now. If you can help, please email me!!! I will let you know the kids' names, sexes, and ages, and I will also pick up the baskets, so literally all you have to do is come up with presents. I've done this in the past and the moms are so incredibly grateful. Because of the economy we're having a much harder time this year, so really, even if you can only do part of a basket (like, one kid but not the mom or other children) I will find a way to make up a whole basket. I wish you could see the smiles on people's faces when we can give them stuffed animals, gorgeous Christmas dresses or Santa suits, etc.--their faces just glow when they know that their children are loved and valued even by the outside world.

NO EASTERN KINGS CAME BEARING GIFTS/INSTEAD, THE ORDER CAME TO SHIFT: If you're in the DC area, I hope you'll consider the Christmas concert being held to benefit the Capitol Hill Pregnancy Center:

Date: Thursday, December 18
Time: 7:30 pm
Location: Washington Community Fellowship Church at 907 Maryland Avenue, NE

We will not be selling tickets, but will be accepting free-will donations at the concert. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact Kristen Coulon (Kristen.Coulon@thompsonhine.com) or Abby Huber (abby.huber@gmail.com).

We hope you can join us to support the Capitol Hill Pregnancy Center, a non-profit organization, which serves families in DC with free counseling services, pregnancy tests, parenting and childbirth classes, material resources, and much more.

I wrote a little about my early experiences volunteering at CHPC here (reprinted from the Weekly Standard). There are few charities, if any, I'd recommend more warmly.

DO PARALLEL LINES MEET? There's a scene in David Lodge's novel How Far Can You Go?--published in this country, unfortunately, as Souls and Bodies--in which a gay character and a straight character confront one another, and have a conversation in which neither one of them ever allows the subtext to become text. Because the subtext is, At least you don't have to--!

I thought of that scene last week, when I heard about a young pregnant woman whose parents told her that if she did not abort, and this is verbatim as far as I can tell, "You're dead to us."

And I remembered how many gay people have heard this from their own parents--I need both hands to count, just for people I know personally--and it was hard to avoid vertigo as the sweet Christian women around me talked about what an awful thing this is to say to one's child. And I thought about the immense, shocking, unacknowledged suffering occasioned by both heterosexuality and homosexuality in this culture, and I wondered whether anyone could do justice to both... since I can't think of anyone at all who ever has.

THE NURTURING NETWORK HAS A BLOG!

Via Mark Shea.

I'm going out of town this afternoon, and won't be back until Tuesday, so blogging will be sparse--but when I get back I hope to have a cornucopia of bloggy goodness to spill before you all!

JUST MAKE ME SOMETHING SOMEBODY CAN USE: It occurred to me that my earlier post on crisis pregnancy counseling--specifically, the issue of complicity with the client vs. complicity with the "system"--might shed some light on what my admittedly over-abstract discussion of conservatism looks like in practice.

VISITATION SCHOOL: The Capitol Hill Pregnancy Center is doing volunteer training soon! I love CHPC--I wrote about it here--and it can always use more people to counsel women, answer phones and play with kids, fold clothes and do data entry. There's an endless round of tasks at the center. If you're looking for a Christian ministry; if you need reminding of your total dependence on God; if you want to meet the amazing, inspiring women we serve... consider CHPC. Tara's totally awesome, by the way.

Also, I'm trying to put together referrals we can give our clients, to premarital counseling (what U.S. Catholics often call "pre-Cana") and to mental health services, especially for depression. If you have any suggestions for people I should call in the DC area, please email me at eve_tushnet@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Counselor Training

Six Tuesdays 6:00 - 9:00pm

July 1 - August 5th @ CHPC (713 Maryland Ave., NE)

$45.00 Fee
~ Contact Tara Woods, http://us.f904.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=chpcvol@yahoo.com

St. Elizabeth, friend of the Virgin, pray for us. Dorothy Day, pray for us.

CERVUS AND LEADERSHIP: Tonight's work at the pregnancy center made me realize I need to think more about the ways in which counseling is leadership. I tend to think--almost certainly over-dichotomizing--that there are at least two possible paradigms for what we do, leadership and social work, and I need to work in the former category.

There are ways in which that's true. Leadership requires creation of an individual persona--the mask of command. It requires personal relationship and intimacy. Although I would never claim to be the friend of the women I counsel--I don't risk nearly enough in our relationship to claim that title--I do give out my phone number a lot, for example, in part because I need to be available, open, personal rather than systematic.

Leadership involves me in complicity with the client and her choices. The social-work paradigm, to the limited extent to which I understand it, involves the counselor in complicity with "the system," capitalism and the welfare state, and the pressures it imposes on the client. ("Client," a social-work term.) Catholic charity and social justice work seems to me to swing wildly between these two complicities, in ways which sometimes make sense and/or are equalizing, and sometimes make no sense and/or are condescending.

Nonetheless, there are ways in which the social-work paradigm is necessary for what we do. To take an obvious example--a lot of boyfriends want to come and sit in on our counseling sessions with their possibly-pregnant girlfriends. These boyfriends are pretty evenly divided between awesome, supportive, loving guys... and controlling/drunk/generally-loserish schmucks. In order to persuade group #2 that we don't see them as members of group #2, we lean heavily on language like, "I'm sorry, it's our center's policy that we always do the first part of the counseling one-on-one. Afterwards, you can come on back and we can all talk together." That's system-based, non-individualized, anti-leadership talk, and it really helps.

Still... I need to think about when each paradigm is appropriate, and how to play to my strengths, which--to the extent that I even have any--are all in the area of leadership, not social work, or not the construction I'm calling "social work." I'm pretty sure one thing I can do is pray more often with our Christian clients, and pray in more traditional Christian, Catholic language--I think "may Christ our Lord shelter you in His wounds" is actually more appropriate to my leadership persona than the standard evangelical "I just thank Jesus for bringing us here today" stuff which makes me really self-conscious and fake.

Comments, questions, suggestions, howls of execration?